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Memoirs of a Rodeo Fuck-up Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I came home a stranger. I went through my days like some zombie in one of them drive-in B movies Lureen used to love dragging me to on Friday nights. My world was no longer my world-- it was some place I didn't belong no more. Lureen still kissed me goodnight; I still took Bobby to school. Nights I'd look at cobwebs on the ceiling; days I'd count fly specks on the window. Never felt so lonely. There was so many days I sat in the office, hand inching over to that phone ready to call and say, "Hey, friend, how are you?" just so I could hear his voice. I didn't do it. Couldn't. I was afraid-- I reckoned driving off was one more drop in the bucket of them lost chances in my life. 

Me? I couldn't leave well enough alone-- had to add to that bucket-- I poured more alcohol down my throat than I should. Got so Bobby couldn't stand to be around me. After a time felt so damn small like I was the incredible shrinking man-- people running around me like I wasn't there. Some days I reckoned that no one would even miss me if  I shrank down to nothing. 

Were days that I gave a shit what other people thought of me. Them days I'd try to figure what I could do to get out of my situation. Decided that maybe it was just an itch that needed scratching. Only place I knew to relieve that prickling was to take a drive across the border-- tried it there with other men, but them nameless faces in Mexico weren't the same. 

Itch still prickled, no better, no worse. Nothing chased away the demon that was Ennis Del Mar out of my heart. 

Days got shorter, nights longer, and I dreamed of running away from my family, being with Ennis. But that was just dreams.

Then one Monday we was at the table, Lureen was stirring her coffee, and I was chasing mine with two aspirin. I remember that moment well: The bitter taste in the back of my throat, the way her eyes grew wide and blinked. In them moments, fear replaced apathy. Was like she knew. I was wrong though. Instead she prescribed a different kind of truth for Jack Twist. 

"Sweetheart," she said, "since yer pa died, ya ain't been the same. I kept thinkin' you'd snap out of it. You're drinkin' too much, sleepin' all the time and ass-draggin' around like the spirit's been sucked right outta you-- thought if I gave ya time and space you'd come around-- be yerself again. I've waited, Jack. You ain't better-- in fact, you're worse. I've been talkin' to a friend a mine, and she told me her uncle had some problems like yours some time back. Went ta see this man who helped him get better-- I want ya ta go see that man, Jack." 

She pushed his card across the table. I stared down at it.

I didn't argue. But I didn't say yes or no-- just let the card sit on the table. She got up to leave for work and before she left she said, "Call him, Jack."  As the door shut behind her, I picked up the card and flipped it between my fingers. Reckoned it didn't matter either way. Didn't care as long as she didn't know the truth about me. Can't say as I blame her for making me go. I knew I needed help-- knew it wasn't the same kind of help that Lureen thought I needed, but some help was better than no help. Was hard picking up that phone to make that call though. Was like admitting there was something wrong with my head. Later that day I made my first appointment with that psychiatrist.

I was used to going to a doctor and them giving you a pill to make it better. This doctor didn't give me no pills. Man was into talking. I went alone on Thursdays to see Dr. Malone. I talked plenty about everything except for what was really wrong. I talked about growing up and talked about my family now and how LD treated me like a horse's ass. I talked about my ma and how I worried over her. Bringing up my childhood was mighty sad. Talked about Lureen and Bobby. Told him that Lureen thought my problems had a lot to do with my pa and how his death brought all that childhood pain back to me. Can't rightly say that his death wasn't a part of my problem and talking about it to Dr. Malone did make me feel a world better. 

But that wasn't my real problem, and Dr. Malone knew it.

That doctor knew what he was doing. Was like he saw into me from that very first day. Kept asking little questions, digging and digging, like he knew my secret. The day I finally told him about Ennis was the same day that Ennis came back into my life.

-----------------------------

I'd poured myself a coffee, adding the usual three spoonfuls of  sugar and twice as much Coffee-Mate in it when the phone rang. I had an appointment with Dr. Malone that morning and was running later than usual so I was rushing to down the coffee and dumped a goodly portion on my shirt. I cussed at my bad luck as I picked up the receiver-- Shit, I thought, this is gonna cost me-- phone call 'n now I'll have to go change, too. Instead of a hello, I heard laughing. No doubt whose laugh that was-- heard that deep rumble every night in my head. 

"Ennis?" I croaked. Phone almost slipped out of my hand; the coffee mug did-- clattering loud on the Formica.

"Hey, Jack."

My heart hammered, my legs gave out. I stumbled into the chair Lureen kept by the wall phone.  

"Jack? Ya there?"

"I'm here, friend," I choked out.

"Glad ya called me that, Bud. I hoped I didn't drive all this way for nothing."

"Drive all this way?" I asked, staring dumbly out the sliding glass door. "Where are you?"

"In Childress. Couldn't stand it no more-- had ta see ya."

I recalled his last words to me-- how we had to stand it. All sorts of crazy thoughts went through my head. I licked my lips and asked, "Where you at?" 

"Holiday Inn just off of 62 on Avenue F. Room 112."

"I got an appointment first," I said.

"You bet."

I hung up the phone. 

Now I was really late fer my therapy session. No time to change my shirt-- I threw on the ugly blue polyester blazer Lureen bought me-- more fer looks than comfort. It was a cold morning for Texas, had to scrape the frost off my windshield with the back of my arm. Heater hadn't worked since the day I bought that damn truck. My teeth chattered all the way there. Don't even know how I managed to drive to the psychiatrist's office. Found myself in the waiting room, nodding at Miss Calhoun, the receptionist. Next thing I knew I was on the proverbial couch spilling my ever-loving guts out to Dr. Malone. Told him all about Ennis. Whole story. Only had a few minutes left when I got to the part where Ennis was a-waiting for me at the Holiday Inn. The doctor didn't offer no help or advice like I expected him to. Instead, he told me it was up to me to decide "to go or not to go, that is the question"-- like I was the prince of Denmark or something. Probably reckoned I was going to do what I wanted anyhow. As I was standing up to leave, he told me, "I want you to call me later. Let me know how you're feeling."

The drive to the Holiday Inn weren't no holiday-- was like that purgatory place that Lureen told me about. To say I was scared shitless was an understatement. Walking up to the door was between heaven and hell-- I was sweating and shaking with both anticipation and dread. 

I didn't even get a chance to knock; the door opened wide, and he pulled me through by the coffee stain on my shirt, door slamming behind me and me slamming hard into the door. Never tasted a kiss so desperate-- mouth swallowing mine like I was the last drink he'd ever get. I returned that kiss just as desperate, mouth hard on his, body reckless-- then I took hold of him, knocked the wall so hard the painting fell to the floor. Coming up for breath didn't seem an option: He'd grabbed ahold of me so tight I couldn't a pulled free even if I wanted. Was a good ten minutes before we pulled apart and when we did, words were fast coming. 

"Missed this," I said.

"Yep." Then he rolled his hips into mine. "Feels nice."

"Better 'n nice," I moaned. "Almost called ya."

"What stopped ya?"

"Waitin' fer you."

His body got all quiet then, eyes looking into mine got glassy. Could see his throat working. "Before ya drove away," he acknowledged, voice low, "what ya said got ta me-- I been thinkin' of nothin' else since."

"Been thinkin' of nothin' else too," I said. 

"Yer right, it was up ta me after to call ya. Took my sorry ass long enough ta git here. I'm hopin' that this here reception I just got from ya means I'm not too late."

I just shook my head like an idiot. Fuck, I thought, is he sayin' what I think he's sayin'? I held his face in my hands, tracing his lips with my thumbs. "No, not too late," I said. Knew I was breathing hard. Felt like I'd been running a race. Maybe I had. "Moment I saw you, I knew I wanted ya," I admitted.

"Packed my bags weeks ago," he said. "Knew comin' here would upset yer life, but not comin'-- couldn't let ya alone. I just wanted ta make sure I heard them last words ya said to me-- I'd like fer you ta say it again so's I know I heard ya right-- ya know, ta be sure--"

I swallowed. Knew this was it. I had to face the results this time. Then I told him, not to his back, not walking away. I looked into them endless eyes and said, "I love ya, Ennis." I nodded and waited, afraid to hear what he'd say. 

The smile that lit his face was magic. My blood pressure must've gone through the roof. Them few seconds waiting for him to speak was the longest seconds ever passed on planet Earth. Felt like I was reborn hearing his words echo back, "I love ya, Jack."

We was both mighty quiet after-- both staring into each other's souls as deep as a body had ever seen, I reckon. I broke the silence. "What now?" I asked.

"Fer now I'd like ta fuck you through that mattress. How's that sound?"

"Sounds good ta me."

Say one thing for Ennis, he did come prepared. Had everything ready. Had a bottle of Jack Daniels on the night stand and right next to that was a tube of K-Y jelly. Must of had my comfort on his mind.

We tumbled over to the bed, laughing like kids. Got me pinned down on the mattress, liked him manhandling me. My shrink would probably have something to say about that. I smiled into his face and saw him gazing on me, eyebrow pinched, mouth tight. 

Serious Ennis. 

"Ya alright?" I asked.

"Got some time ta talk after, Bud? I been thinkin' on this-- need ta talk after is all."

"I got time," I said. Then he fucked me so long and so hard that no amount of Jack Daniels would make me forget Ennis Del Mar was there.

TBC

Comments

( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
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torry28
Sep. 2nd, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
What a surprise to come back from vacation and find this.
Dr. Malone and why not,just pray Ennis and jack can work this out.
Please add me to your friend list.
Thank you.
torry
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 12:24 am (UTC)
Torry, I'm glad to have surprised you (especially in a good way *wink*). I'll add you to my flist.

el
lizbird
Sep. 2nd, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
My world was no longer my world-- it was some place I didn't belong no more.

Really liked that line. Jack killing himself slowly, trying to live a lie.

This was good. Thanks!
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
That line can be true of all of us at times, don't you think? And with Jack, it is about his self-destructive behavior because he is living a lie. For us, it could be other reasons-- but just as painful.

thanks for your sincere comments!

el
denim_girl2006
Sep. 2nd, 2007 10:42 pm (UTC)
I want to know what they're going to talk about, I want to know what they're going to talk about!!!!!......I wanted that chapter to go on! I loved it. Was feeling so sad for Jack till Ennis called so now I feel a lot better.
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm not giving anything away. It's always good to read that a body want the story to go on-- the writer knows they are doing their job. Thanks for following this story.

el
_sepia
Sep. 2nd, 2007 11:19 pm (UTC)
...he pulled me through by the coffee stain on my shirt, door slamming behind me and me slamming hard into the door. Never tasted a kiss so desperate-- mouth swallowing mine like I was the last drink he'd ever get. I returned that kiss just as desperate, mouth hard on his, body reckless-- then I took hold of him, knocked the wall so hard the painting fell to the floor.

I loved that part, so beautiful and intense. Glad there seems to be a ray of hope for Jack after all that despair and happy Ennis decided he couldn't stand it, and is trying to fix it. Not sure where things are headed now between the two, but I hope Dr. Malone will be a help and not a hindrance for Jack. And I hope talking is all he's going to do. :)
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:48 pm (UTC)
Mmm, you pick the hot part. I prefer writing about kissing- it's more intimate to me. As for Dr. Malone-- I don't want to give anything away, but he wants Jack to work this through and not push it away-- the outcome isn't as important as the process... Hope that helps!
bbm_citygirl
Sep. 2nd, 2007 11:22 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad to see that you updated. I really like your writing style. You created a really evocative "mood" with Jack's depression, then when Ennis comes back into his life the whole peice shifts into one of connection, joy and relief. The things your Ennis does and says to Jack are exactly the things OS Jack would have given his right arm to see and hear. I can't wait to see more.
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:56 pm (UTC)
Hey citygirl. Thanks on the writing style. I want Jack's voice to come through and I feel it does in this story. I enjoy writing first person the most-- I think it the voyeuristic part of me coming through. It's true-- you are so right on Ennis is doing and saying what Jack wished for in OS. Their roles are a bit reversed here so you'll have to wait to find out what comes next :(

Thanks so much for reading and your comments.
icewolf88
Sep. 3rd, 2007 01:05 am (UTC)
Sure am glad to see another chapter. Was wondering where this story disappeared to. Sure do love the fact that ya got Ennis off his ass and down to Childress. Bout time. LOL.

As for 'Dr. Malone' ????? That's one quack I would definately(?) stay away from. Keep it up, Bud.

Ice
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
Hey! Nice to see you posted here since this is your baby. Glad you like how this is going. Thanks for stopping by, partner.

el
george66
Sep. 3rd, 2007 02:42 am (UTC)
What a delightful surprise!!
Oh el_wing what a wonderful thing to see this story updated. Oh I felt Jack's loneliness and self-destruction. That first line was just amazing. Lureen is an interesting character so far. You don't get the sense she has a deep love for her husband but you do get the sense that she cares strongly for him. I wonder how she will factor in the story as it goes along. Dr. Malone, huh? I wonder how he will factor in the story as it moves along! (winking eye)

Ennis coming - OH WHAT JOY! What an unexpected surprise. I love how Ennis - in his own way - was so romantic and when he told Jack he loved him I was bursting with joy.

Everything seems to be going so well - too well. I'm wondering what Ennis wishes to talk about it. He has moved to Texas, told Jack he loved him, but is Ennis willing to go all the way and have an open life with him?? We'll see.

george
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
Re: What a delightful surprise!!
"Everything seems to be going so well - too well." My, my, George, you do know me like a proverbial book, don't you? I'm bound to throw in a wrench or two into this to mix it up. I hoping that it has a nice "twist" to it. As for Ennis moving to Texas, I pretty much implied that, didn't I. You read into the story well. Having Ennis around will mix it up a lot. As for the shrink-- we'll have to see about that. Ha.

As always, love your comments (and winking, you devil, you).
Re: What a delightful surprise!! - george66 - Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: What a delightful surprise!! - el_wing - Sep. 4th, 2007 09:27 am (UTC) - Expand
roconner
Sep. 3rd, 2007 02:50 am (UTC)
Beautiful
Glad Ennis saw the light!

The light in Jack's blue eyes,
makes life worth livin.
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:11 pm (UTC)
Re: Beautiful
Love those eyes too. Big, blue and beckoning.
Thanks for reading and commenting on my fic.

el
(Anonymous)
Sep. 3rd, 2007 02:57 am (UTC)
Dr. Randall Malone--a psychiatrist treating Jack. Wonderful! I never saw this one coming but it could be very intriguing.

Honest truth, this is one of the most passionate, sweetest, most romantic reunions I have read. Warms my heart, those boys makin love at the Holiday Inn.

I held his face in my hands, tracing his lips with my thumbs. "No, not too late," I said....I looked into them endless eyes and said, "I love ya, Ennis".....Got me pinned down on the mattress, liked him manhandling me .....
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC)
I had already decided Jack was seeing a psychiatrist. Having Malone take that profession just fell into place. I like the possibilities it leads to the slant of the story.

"Honest truth, this is one of the most passionate, sweetest, most romantic reunions I have read. Warms my heart, those boys makin love at the Holiday Inn." *Blushes* My, I don't know what to say other than thank you. Thank you so much!
atz75
Sep. 3rd, 2007 03:21 am (UTC)
Thanks soooo much for the update Friend! I love this series!
:)
Amanda
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
Hey, Amanda! Thanks so much for stopping by and reading!

Love,
el
canteatnocake
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
Ennis drove to Childress! And Ennis returned those three words!!! Don't often see an Ennis this proactive :)

Thanks for this chapter. Seems like all the other stories I'm reading lately have been depressing.
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
Ennis is a bit more open in this fic-- those years of "not" meeting Jack changed him. Here he had to face what he was without an outlet at all. Makes for a different spin.

Thanks so much. Truth be told, the last chapter of this was mighty depressing. It was fun to write a more hopeful one.

thanks for reading and your kind comments.

el
eandj
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:37 am (UTC)
An update, an update-trallallallalla
I sooo love this story.
Dr. Malone-ha. What a waste of time
And Ennis has come to Jack. It´s about time.
Hard times to come but together they will make it.
Thanks
Paula
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
You are so musical. Ahh, I love trallallalls. Thanks for jumping up and down in your computer chair. Ennis going to Jack is a good turn around.

Thanks so much. Warms my heart to read you look forward to this story.

el
(Deleted comment)
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
Why thanks, Kathy. I'm hoping it won't be so long until the next update. Thanks for following the story and the sweet comments.

el
crow61348
Sep. 3rd, 2007 05:13 am (UTC)
JUST AS I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYMORE OF THIS STORY, HERE IT IS!!! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR FRIEND LIST. NOW THAT YOU BACK, I'D HATE TO MISS ANY OF YOUR WRITING.
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:44 pm (UTC)
I have officially friended you. Sorry it took so long for the update. That's what happens when you write other fics. Only my personal journal is friend locked, though. My fic journal is not elwings_things.
madbottoms
Sep. 3rd, 2007 07:54 am (UTC)
Good to see an update. Looking forward to the next.

Sandy
el_wing
Sep. 3rd, 2007 04:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sandy. I sincerely hope the wait won't be as long.

el
volvenord
Sep. 3rd, 2007 12:42 pm (UTC)
Oh this story got under my skin! I am just riveted, stunned, blissed out. VERY WELL written, i must say. It feels real, true, something that does happened. I have had people telling me of their true love, and this feels like that.

A plausible plot, wonderful, short-clipped language. And somehow I got to think about Annie Proux and the dialogue sequence in the novel. Loved all of it and look very much forward to next installment.
All the best Valkyrie
bbm_citygirl
Sep. 3rd, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
Sorry to butt in but I had to say I just love your avatar! Is that them? It sure looks like them.
(no subject) - volvenord - Sep. 5th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - el_wing - Sep. 4th, 2007 09:10 am (UTC) - Expand
ajjt
Sep. 3rd, 2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
When you read so many of these stories, it sometimes takes a bit for a particular one to fall back into place. So I ended up reading your latest chapter and then skipped back to the beginning and reread the whole shebang in one gallop, enjoying what I had already read as well as the chapters I had somehow missed. Very glad I did as it's always interesting to see how a story hangs together as a whole, and this one surely does. You really maintain Jack's voice throughout, no mean feat! Loved how they both knew what they wanted from the get-go and got it. But of course the question is where they're going to go from here. Guess we'll have to wait for the next chapter(s) to find that out. Thanks for this...alex
el_wing
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:15 am (UTC)
I can relate to the getting fic mixed up at times. Good thing this fic isn't that long. Even though I like to free style with my plots, I do have a grand scheme in my head for where it's going. There will be a few more chapters after this one, but this is not going to be one of those uber-long fics (like Love is Blind).

Thanks, Alex for your compliments. Means a lot. It's good to know your writing hits home with the readers!
vimar
Sep. 3rd, 2007 07:19 pm (UTC)
Aw, Ennis came to Jack to plan for a future together, at least I hope that's what he meant with needing to talk. I had to LOL at "and right next to that was a tube of K-Y jelly. Must of had my comfort on his mind." I love this Jack, the way he (you) tells this story,
Vicy
el_wing
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:17 am (UTC)
Future plans-- yes, that will be the topic. As to the outcome, I'd not giving that one away!

Glad you liked Jack's comfort crack (pun intended on-- or should I say "in" crack).

Thanks, Vicy for reading and following the story. I appreciate your genuine comments!

el
lara_pinta
Sep. 3rd, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
Wonderful - the first paragraphs describing Jack's situation were sublime and "Days got shorter, nights longer" summed it all up for Jack.

Liked the Hamlet reference too "to go or not to go, that is the question"-- like I was the prince of Denmark or something".

It was all so good.

Thank you
Lorna
el_wing
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:19 am (UTC)
Thanks, Lorna. Sublime is such a cool word. And glad you caught the Hamlet reference. It's the English teacher in me poking out. Ha.

Glad you're liking the spin on this,

thank you in return,

el
sweetje
Sep. 3rd, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
Maybe it was a good idea that Jack see a psychiatrist. But I think it was a much better therapy for Jack to hear Ennis's voice over the phone, then see his Cowboy in the flesh, so to speak.

I hope our this reunion is more than a visit.
This was a wonderful chapter. I love the way it ended.
I'm looking forward to your next chapter. : )
Debra
el_wing
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:22 am (UTC)
Considering Jack's mental state, he should. Anyone that depressed for that long should seek help. Ennis might be part of the cure, but Jack admitted he has other issues he needs to address too. I made sure this chapter didn't end so lonely for Jack this time. He needed some hope.

Thanks, Debra for reading and commenting.

el
ramona4jake
Sep. 4th, 2007 07:35 am (UTC)
I begin to like your Ennis.....but I don't dare to be happy.... Is your story going to be a series of fuck-ups, or is time to get better for Jack ?
And Dr. Malone - now that's an interesting figure, I wonder what you will do with him ?
Thank you, I love your stories !!
el_wing
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:26 am (UTC)
Well, this Ennis is a bit different than OC. He's more open, forthright. He still has issues. This is a series of fuck-ups, but not all fuck-ups turn out bad, do they? I'll say that this fic will have a happy ever after fuck-up ending. How's that?!

As for the doctor, I'll not give too much away on that.

Thanks for lovin' my version of the boys.

el
mariez65
Sep. 4th, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC)
Eek! I go away for a day and I almost missed this! Wow, you are just full of surprises, aren't you? :) I'm thoroughly intrigued by the idea of Jack seeing Dr. Malone and you caught me completely off guard with Ennis's phone call! But, knowing you, you've got more surprises up your sleeve! I love Jack's voice in this story so much; your masterful handling of first-person gives me such an intimate connection not just with Jack, but with Ennis, too - and what could be better than that? Thanks, el. Superb, as always.

Marie
carmenmariabs
Sep. 6th, 2007 02:12 am (UTC)
Hi!
Desgarrador, emotivo.
Duro y muy bien expresado los sentimientos de Jack y la descripción de su actual vida.
¿lograra una vida dulce con Ennis?
¿como lo introducira al resto de personajes de su vida?
Carmen
P.D.: Sorry por mi castellano. Truely he is complicated.
rosiet
Sep. 7th, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to leave a comment so late on this!! I read it straight away and thought I'd already done it....silly me. But I have to come back and say how much I loved this chapter. That Ennis came for Jack. When Jack's world had fallen apart, now he knew what he was missing. Those opening words, 'I came home a stranger' Wow. And it got better. Jack at his shrink, was wonderful, and I was as pleased as Jack when Ennis showed up! Aww...and they both said those words..

I can't wait for more. I want to know what Ennis has been 'thinking on' I just hope it's a plan for a sweet life with Jack...

Thank you for this.

Rosie
x
sienata
Dec. 9th, 2007 05:38 am (UTC)
I love it when they say "I love you." Mmmmm. I'm all happy now! S!
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