My heart thumped harder than the drop and kick of hooves at a roughstock event. Pounded clean through my chest worrying what Ennis was gonna say to me. Both of us were quiet. Was early morning. Never had that talk yesterday. Instead made love all night on the old motel bed. Waking up to him was like sunshine. Back of his head rested tight on my shoulder. Hairs tickled as he moved over searching for the pack of smokes we'd thrown aside last night. He found the pack under the sheet and handed it to me.
My hands shook as I tapped the pack of Marlboros. Pulled one out between my nervous lips thinking heavy on the conversation we was gonna have. Ennis' fingers trembled as he lit the match. Was almost a comfort to see I wasn't alone. Almost. That tremor in his fingers as I got the tip all red-hot got me worried some. I inhaled deep then passed it to him. Tobacco didn't stifle my anxiety. Ennis moved onto his side, looking me square in the face. Wondered if this was the final short-go. But I reckoned not. Wouldn't come this far on a go-around just to tell me he loved me then leave.
Could of picked a better place. The motel was seedy. Curtains yellowed, wallpaper a sad, peeling mess. Sheets were clean, but the quilt was old and faded from orange to mud. Empty bottle of Jack Daniels sat on its side on a nightstand that was marred and covered with water rings and cigarette burns.
Sulfur from the match hung in the air along with sweat and sex. A right satisfying smell. Surroundings didn't matter much when beauty was right before your eyes. Ennis Del Mar was Prince Charming. Great abs, strong thighs, curly fine hair all which-way. Doe eyes that made me want to come just looking in them. But it was them freckles I loved most. They danced all over his skin. Light and dark. Scattered across his nose and shoulders in unequal portions that made my prince truly charming. Thought about those long arms holding me and freckled shoulders bunching up as he pushed me down into the lumpy mattress. Made me lust like I'd never lusted before. How'd he do that to me? Me, Jack Twist, man women fall over. Looked up into those doe eyes again, and I saw it. He didn't want sex right now. No, wanted to talk to me. Eyes liked ta change color as they held mine. There was green in there. Was like some spell he cast. No way could I look away. Felt off-balance. Both of us waited for the other to say the first word. Was Ennis who finally spoke.
"Thought a long time about what you said." He handed me back the cigarette.
"Did ya, now?" I asked, blowing smoke rings trying to act all calm. Didn't fool Ennis for one second though. One of his eyebrows perked up as he looked at my mouth. Corner of his own mouth turned up a bit.
"Wondered why ya said it and drove off like that."
"I wondered too." And that was true. Spent long hours at night wondering that same danged thing.
"Ya figure it out?" he asked, taking the smoke back then blowing damn smoke rings in return. Fucking mocking me.
"Reckon so." I blew at his smoke rings. They disappeared.
Didn't tell him I had a shrink to help me with that part. I still was mighty confused. Wondered if he was too. Tried to put a name on this gut aching need I had for him in both my nuts and my heart. Knew love was the word for it. Wondered if he had any idea how many nights I stared at the ceiling thinking of him. Wondered if he did the same.
"Reckoned you was scared a what I was gonna say back," he said. "Expect you were right. Ain't known each other long. You sayin that struck me like a bolt. But figured it this way: it's like lightning hittin in the same place. People say it don't happen, but lightning strikes in the same spot all the time."
"Know what ya mean," I said. Ennis looked at me, contemplating what, I wasn't sure. Maybe trees all a-flame from getting hit by a bolt of that lightning he was talking about. I sure felt like a tree all a-fire right then. Most likely he wondered why I wasn't talking. Wondered myself. Usually I have a truckload of words, but now I didn't have enough to fill a wheelbarrow. He chewed on his lip some, thinking. Instead of handing me back my smoke, he stubbed it out. Guess he'd waited long enough. Filled up the empty air with his own words.
"Gotta tell ya, Jack. I got a new job. Start next week. Good pay. Nice thoroughbred ranch ten miles from here."
I held my breath. My leg started to twitch underneath the sheets. Was right embarrassing.
"Some things ya know are true in your heart from the start," he said. "Not sure if it's that way for you, but this thing that got a hold of me is nothin like I ever felt."
I nodded. Knew that was right, sure enough.
"Night we first met, when you asked ta buy me a drink, it wasn't just your eyes wanderin. I saw ya. Made sure ya saw me. Then when ya asked to buy me a drink ta make up for leerin, my insides was jumpin up and down-- liked ta of come outta my own skin. Was exactly what I wanted ta happen. Felt so lucky, a good-lookin guy like yourself wantin ta spend time with me."
"Don't sell yourself short, Ennis. You're one fine-lookin man."
Loved the way he blushed when I said that. Damned Prince Charming. Tough man like him, getting all sloppy-shy with me. Made my dick hard watching the red go from his cheeks to his neck.
"Somethin took hold of us both from the first moment we set eyes on each other," I admitted. "Didn't know then what made me want ta buy you a drink. Was surprised how much we told each other 'bout ourselves. Lookin back, both of us lived a whole lifetime together in that night."
Saw his eyes misting up. Knew it was true for him too.
"When you said them words and drove off," he said, shaking his head, "I knew I was wrong. All that I said about havin ta ride this one out with no reins. Can't do it. Too hard. Took you drivin away sayin that ta realize that long as we're apart, always will have nothing ta hold on to. But don't have ta be that way, Jack. That's why I done what I did. Come here. I want you ta hold on to."
I kissed him then. Both mouths split open. Tasted him deep and long. Moved my hand and pushed my palm into his cock, rolling over it. He choked out a sob and then grasped me tight. Suddenly, his hands were everywhere-- in my hair, down my back, on my ass. I shifted around to get a better grip on that fine dick of his. Both of us felt so desperate. Moved like we'd never have this again. Got dizzy when he moaned into my mouth and his eyes rolled back.
I slid down the bed to take him into my mouth. His dick twitched as my lips brushed it and groans of approval came from the back of his throat. Veins popped up on his neck as I ran my tongue up and down the length of that perfect cock-- loved teasing him-- and also loved that he wasn't made like me, cut and different. Always felt like my dick was wrong somehow since it wasn't like my pa's. Knew that subject was good for one session at the shrink's, but didn't like talking about Ennis and me-- putting pa into-- well that was just wrong. Sex was private. Was like breaking a trust. So's I pushed that from my mind and focused on Ennis. My Ennis.
Was easy to do. Loved how the head of his dick came out of hiding 'cause of me. Proved he wanted me. He grabbed two handfuls of my hair so's he could help work my mouth up and down the length of him. My own dick was aching for him by then, but I ignored it. Instead I concentrated on pushing that dick of his as far down my throat as I could without gagging. Wanted him, wanted all of him. Ennis thrust and bucked into my mouth like a wild thing-- hitting the roof, grazing my teeth, then knocking on my tonsils.
When Ennis knew I couldn't take no more, he pulled outta my mouth with a plop and grabbed me by my arms. Pulled me up to face him. I started to turn over, but he pushed me flat on my back, took my legs and shoved them into my chest. Loved that smug smile on his face as he done it. Oiled himself up good then rammed them fingers of his inside my ass. No nicey-nicey time like last night. Just shoved. Was like an electric switch. Turn off from pain then on from pleasure. Thumped my prostate--got me so riled I couldn't see the handsome face in front of me. Dirty words came a-flying outta my mouth, begging for that big cock of his.
He gave it to me. Felt that hard ridge against my hole. He pushed in all the way up to the root as I babbled like I was speaking in tongues. Never felt him so deep inside me-- like he was ramming all the way to the top of my skull. More he thrust inside me, more my mouth spewed nonsense like I had the holy spirit inside. His hands squeezed my kneecaps tighter and tighter with each jab.
Didn't take long. Felt the base of my spine tingle, balls tighten. Let go some more crazy words, three of which weren't so crazy. "I love you," I yelled. Fucking came so hard. Right after I moved my hands to cup his face. Held him there. When I moved my hand I seen the ghost-white trail traced where my fingers had been.
Ennis thrusted inside me one more time then came. Both of us collapsed.
"Did I hurt ya?" Ennis asked.
"Nah, I'm tough. Was good. Real good."
Ennis moved around some. "I think yer bleedin," he said, noticing the stain on the sheet.
Felt my face grow hot-- bleeding like a damned virgin. I reached over the side of the bed and snatched my shirt and wiped the mess off my ass to ease Ennis' mind. Then I hugged Ennis to my chest, toyed with his curls by blowing on them just to make sure he was fine. He swatted at my mouth and laughed.
"Tickles," he said.
I think, I'll show him tickles so I poked him in the ribs. He swung his legs around and under me, flipped me over and pinned me good-- course I let him do it.
"You gonna talk now?" he asked, lips tight to my ear. "Cat still got yer tongue, or should I stick my dick back up your ass again ta git you ta talk?"
"So, this gonna be our regular place?" I asked.
Looking back, I know I was damn stupid. I didn't get what he was meaning. Didn't have no idea. I reckoned he planned to move around here, and we'd be together like in this sleazy motel room.
"Fer now, but was thinkin..." he said, as I moved under him. "...of us findin a place more permanent."
I jumped. Us? My head caught him right in the nose hard-- started bleeding all over creation.
"God, Ennis! I'm sorry."
He mumbled, "That's ok," as he sat up and pinched his nostrils between his fingers. I had him tip his head back. I jumped up, looking for something-- anything-- to stop the bleeding. Looked up, there was Ennis, sitting naked on the edge of the bed, blood running down his arm and dripping on to the floor.
"Git my shirt, over on that chair." I grabbed it then crawled across the bed, pressed it to his nose and mopped up what I could. Sat next to him on my knees.
"Jesus, you bleed like a hemophilic virgin on her weddin night," I said. He laughed through his shirt.
"Where do you come up with that shit, Jack Twist?"
"Don't know. Comes natural."
"Like bustin noses?" Ennis asked, then looked into my face. "Sorry, didn't mean it. Just teasin."
"I'm the one who's sorry. Damn, Ennis. And you were just tellin me something about us gettin a place."
Ennis nodded, removing the shirt and looking at the mess. "Like ta make that sweet life for us happen. Always wanted a ranch of my own. Been saving for it for years. Think I could make it happen if I had a partner."
I sat next to him. My mouth wouldn't work. Watched him dab the shirt to his nose as blood trickled out. Alls I could think of was Bobby and leaving him. And Lureen. I know we didn't have much of a marriage, but I did care for her. She was still my friend.
"I don't know." I said that. Me. The one who told him "I love you" then drove off like a coward. Me. The one who asked him for that sweet life. Me. I blinked.
Ennis looked at me funny. Eyebrows coming together like someone was pulling them with a string. Mouth twitched on the left corner too. Heard doors slam in the next room. Heard a baby crying outside our door. Heard everything except my own voice saying something that would take it back.
Ennis stood up, went the chair next to the bed and sat down. Pulled on his jeans then stood back up.
He opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. Scribbled some numbers and ripped off the note. "This here's where I'm stayin. When you decide what you think, you tell me."
Didn't say it mad. Just looked at me, disappointed. Set the note next to me on the bed. He started packing his stuff.
I got up. Went straight into the bathroom. Turned on the shower. Heard the door shut just before I stuck my head in the toilet to puke my guts out.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand when I was done. Damn you, Jack Twist. What you gonna do now?