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Fuck up number 7

Spent the next two days in that motel-- never lived so much in two days. Nothing mattered, only him, only Ennis. Everything else didn't seem important-- family, friends, job. I wanted to quit the world and make our own, and since I couldn't, this old motel room was it for us. Thought of having that kind of life, you know, that kind of life like in them fairy tales my mamma read to me-- where everything is happy ever after, the sweet life, living life to the fullest. Way I felt in his arms was that kind of happy-- so happy his name only thing on my lips when I wake up, excepting maybe his cock.

Drove into this motel knowing things don't ever turn out the way I want. Them fingers of his just made me want things. I'm always wanting. My mamma said I was born wantin' more-- one more piece of pot roast, one more slice of cherry cake, one more glass of milk. One more. Always. But this thing between us was a different kind of want-- wasn't just one more for me. I knew it had a name-- but was afraid to speak it. I was afraid if I named it, Ennis would run so far and fast I'd never see him again. Trouble was, afraid if I didn't speak it, I'd never know.

I was plumb afraid. Part of me feared what we got wasn't the same for Ennis. I'd watch him like I was one them angst-ridden damsels in them dammed Harlequin Romance novels Lureen was so fond of reading. Does he love me? Does he care? I know people tend to see their own reflection in other people, thinking their own feeling and thinking everybody else feels the same way they do, that's why there's so many broken hearts in the world. Also why that man--- what's his name?-- said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Assuming too much, that's most people's problem. I was hoping with all my being that I wasn't assuming too much. That grown-up part of me, that man who lived on the sales floor, he knew better. The little boy in me, that boy who dreamed looking out at that big sky at night, he still wished upon a star. 

P.T. Barnum. Yeah, that's the man who said that. Now there was a salesman. Me? I learned a lot being a salesman over these last years. First lesson I learned was good a salesman makes people want what they didn't even know they needed. I was good. Made people want them extras-- like them hi-fi radios in them combines. With Ennis, it was different-- that was the trouble. Couldn't be a salesman with him. Nothing to sell. He already owned me and knew it that first night. Was like he was the one owned me. 

Owned me. Yeah, I was his, for sure. Reckoned I didn't want it any other way. Stayed right next to him them two days. Lived on BetterMost beans, Camels, Jack Daniels and Ennis Del Mar. 

I knew I had to get home to Childress but didn't want to go. Felt like I'd be leaving a piece of me behind, a piece of me who walked slow, talked slower. Fine man with arms like iron and heart like gold. Man who made me swoon like some love-sick teenager whenever he'd curl them lips. All them years with Lureen never made my heart ache like he done. She never made me sweat just thinking on her. No one ever done that to me-- only Ennis. Loved watching through hooded lids as he fucked me senseless, loved watching his face then.  His face got soft and hard at the same time like I was sin and salvation. Loved feeling him pound into me crying out, not caring who might hear. Only time I ever seen Ennis let go, really let go, was them times. Them times made me believe he cared as deep and as hard as I did. 

Never looked on his hair before. Never noticed things like that too much about people. First thought his was brown, now I seen him clear. Through those days, I'd wind my fingers through them curls, that silken dirty blond hair and dig my nails into them freckles on his back.  Memorize him so's I'd never forget. He'd swear and spend himself inside me. Finally, my ass was so sore I didn't think I could do it again, but I did-- I let him. I let him over and over until I bit the sheet, whimpering.  

That last day we spent time talking between screwings. That was rich, hearing his lazy voice spill out like chocolate. I asked lots of questions just so's I could hear that chocolate voice a his. Made small talk that weren't really that small. Asked him, "How yer girls?"

He said, "Fine." He said, "I'm pickin' em up next weekend. Promised em I'd take em fer ice cream and ta ride ponies." 

I asked him, "What kind  ice cream they like?"

"Junior likes strawberry. Jenny black cherry-- Jenny wears more of it than she eats though." 

I said I liked chocolate. I decided from that day on chocolate would be my favorite 'cause chocolate reminded me of Ennis-- eyes like chocolate and of course voice like it too. Ennis pulled out his wallet, flipped it open, and I seen two girls standing with Sunday dresses in front of a sparkling Christmas tree, both wore their old man's smile-- not real wide but shiny like the star on the tree top. Both had this spirit beneath their skin like their old man. Could see the same sweetness inside too. 

"Fine looking girls. That at yer place?"

"No, that their ma's and step-daddy's." He frowned after, like it's not something he wanted to talk about, but I'm Jack Twist and I got to know it all so I ask.

"Get along with their step-daddy?"

"He's a good man," Ennis said. "Just that he's got my girls now. That's their home, my place just like a place ta pitch the tent once in a while. Hard to abide that."

I nodded my head. Knew that feeling. I never was at home in my own house with Lureen. Was like it was some other man's home-- more LD's than mine for sure.

I showed Ennis a picture of Bobby. 

"This here's taken at school. He's starting to grow into them long legs a his."

"Boy image of his daddy. Got his eyes," he said. 

I put my arm in back of my head. Looked at Ennis. Really looked.

Asked him, "Where you takin' yer girls ta ride ponies?"

"Place where I work."

I said, "I've told you a heap about my job, what about yours? What you done in your life, Ennis?"

"Done a lot, ranching mostly. Cattle, sheep, horses. Always loved the horses. Man I worked with years ago saw that in me-- now I work for him, training horses."

"Don't say? Heck, sounds like a fine occupation, friend."

Ennis laughed, rolling over. "Horses are fine; it's people hard ta deal with."

"So's yer on a ranch? How many cow ponies you break say in a year?"

"Don't break no horses, I train em. And they ain't no cowponies, they's thoroughbreds."

"Ain't you a fancy pants," I said, laughing. Never did find out how many.

He didn't like me sassing none-- slapped my ass good. Made me hot and hard. 

"Do that again," I said. 

He looked down, I looked up. Both our eyes had that ache. Next thing I know he's whupping my ass beet red, and I'm rock hard, leaking on the sheets. I'm begging, "Fuck me, fuck me, Ennis," and he did-- he fucked me so good and hard that I thought we was both gonna bang the headboard through the wall. That would a been some sight for them in the next room. Imagine. And that poor maid. Came knocking at the door, calling, wondering if we were alright. Poor woman, wonder what she thought when she stripped the sheets off the bed with all that blood and sex on them. 

Next morning I knew I had to leave, I woke up in his arms-- was like some force came over us. Held each other so tight we left bruises. I kissed his lips until mine were raw and swollen. Never forget, packing my bags with Ennis sitting on the bed, head down. The part a me that thought that this might all be one-sided saw different then. Seeing the top of his head, looking like the world just shit down his neck, made me realize maybe my heart wasn't the only one breaking.

He stood up, took hold a me and squeezed me so hard my back popped. Let his whiskers burn my neck. 

"What we gonna do?" I asked him. "Maybe," I began, "maybe we could get us a place? Have a sweet life."

Ennis quiet. I just do what a good salesman do, let time tick-- make him think on what it'd be like. Finally, Ennis let go his grip on me, looked in my face and said, "No place in a world for men like us, you oughta know that, Jack."

"Can't do this," I said. "Can't walk away. How we gonna stand it?"

"Gotta stand it," he said. "No reins on this one."

Put my bags in my truck and got in. 

That's when I fucked up, rolled down the window, looked him in the eye and said them words. Drove off fast so's I wouldn't have to see. So's I wouldn't have to hear. 

Couldn't bear the answer, either way.


( 57 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jul. 14th, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC)
That was so hot but infused with so much sadness, too. Thank you for another great and wonderfully written chapter.
Jul. 14th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. The other chapters up until now had some of his humor in it. I thought it was time to put more of his heart in the story.
Jul. 14th, 2007 07:47 pm (UTC)
I'm new to this story but I really loved it - I particularly can't get enough of Jack's point of view. It hurts to see him so sad and yet he never stops giving. Thanks for this, I'll be looking out for more :) Kate
Jul. 14th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Number 7
Thanks, Kate.

Don't feel too bad for him. Although this follows OS to a degree, the outcome will not be the same.

So, smile ;)

Jul. 14th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
Number 7

Well, nice reunion, spending two whole days feasting on each other, not wanting anything else. Jack giving more and more, even when he thinks he can't, and Ennis in his own way does the same. Then, he realizes that his man of few words spoke volumes by just sitting on the edge of the bed with his head down.

Still, the apprehension that Jack feels, wondering deep down if his dream is enough for both of them, or even possible for him, not wanting to know but having to know. And in the end, afraid of an answer that he desperately wanted to hear.

Very OS, Jack wanting more, wanting the sweet life, and Ennis telling him it just can't be. Ennis didn't say that he [Ennis] didn't want it,too; I think he did here. Just, he couldn't see how they could do it together safely.

This chapter had a real flow to it. Since it's Jack's Memoirs, I'm very curious to read the whole thing and find out the ending and when/where he's writing this.

Thanks again.
Jul. 14th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
Re: Number 7
Jack's really seeing Ennis this time. Before was more the fantasy-- Jack is face with what's real. He has to go back to his life without what he wants most. Ennis was something he never counted on. What I like about this story is that they've come together older and wiser.

Thanks, I felt the chapter flowed well too. It's always great to read that others feel the same.

About where Jack is writing this-- you'll have to wait until the end. This is not going to be a 20+ chapter fic, so you won't have to wait that long.

Thanks again for reading and your wonderful comments (as usual)

Jul. 14th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
Great chapter. I liked it all but one of the little tid-bits was where you included how Ennis felt about another man raising and doing for his daughters. I could see that it would be a bitter pill for a proud man like Ennis to swallow.

The entire chapter was so loving and yet so hauntingly sad. I can't believe that each is able to drive away from something so strong. Beautifully written.
Jul. 14th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC)
Having another man raise your babies is hard to take-- not only because of Ennis' pride (you hit that one head on), but also I think because he loves his daughters so and aches that he's not there to see them grow.

Thanks so much for your kind comments. Very interesting.
Jul. 14th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
I'm with cowboy above-when & where is Jack remembering from...
what are his circumstances? I almost feel like I'm sitting somewhere drinking coffee with Jack & he's sharing the story with me. It has a very intimate, conversational feeling to it.

I've been missing this one & I'm glad to see the update.
Jul. 14th, 2007 10:53 pm (UTC)
Re: I'm with cowboy above-when & where is Jack remembering from...
Wow, yes. Well I'm not going to tell. I might even change my mind by the time I reach the end. One of the very reasons why I was so intregued by this idea was the when and the reflecting back. Where is Jack at in his life? User icewolf88 had a great idea. I like the idea of a Jack around to let everyone know their love story.
Jul. 14th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
Hi, el_wing, I suspect I never left a comment...

I wanted to say I'm enjoying this (and also Love is Blind). Although this chapter left me sad because they are separating, I do hope in the end they will ride away together on a unicorn (a truck could also do).
Jul. 14th, 2007 11:01 pm (UTC)
Well, hi then! Thanks for saying how much you like both of the stories I'm writing for bbm. I like riding into the sunset stories (and sad or the OS wouldn't have effected me so-- same with LotR. I both hate and love the ending that Frodo has to leave the place he suffered to keep).

Thanks ;)
Jul. 14th, 2007 10:12 pm (UTC)
Oh, this was a sweet and heart breaking story. Beautifully infused with so much love.
Jul. 14th, 2007 11:10 pm (UTC)

Thank you so much. I am honored.

Jul. 14th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
This chapter had everything - Jack revealing his feelings to the the readers in a most intimate way, the hot, hot sex and the indicators of how deep Ennis is feeling as well.

I liked the way you wrote that Jack said "I love you" to Ennis without actually saying the words.

My favourite passage was:
"I knew I had to get home to Childress but didn't want to go. Felt like I'd be leaving a piece of me behind, a piece of me who walked slow, talked slower. Fine man with arms like iron and heart like gold. Man who made me swoon like some love-sick teenager whenever he'd curl them lips. All them years with Lureen never made my heart ache like he done. She never made me sweat just thinking on her. No one ever done that to me-- only Ennis. Loved watching through hooded lids as he fucked me senseless, loved watching his face then. His face got soft and hard at the same time like I was sin and salvation. Loved feeling him pound into me crying out, not caring who might hear. Only time I ever seen Ennis let go, really let go, was them times. Them times made me believe he cared as deep and as hard as I did."

Thank you
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)

I thought the I love you driving away was the best possible way for Ennis to think on those words and what they mean (to himself and to Jack). Always wondered if Jack had said those words if it would have changed things. Most probably they would. Ennis might have called it quits.

No worry in this fic though. This is an older Ennis. I think that might make the difference.

I liked how that passage turned out, too. Always makes me happy to see that I "done good."

Thanks again,

Jul. 14th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
This was such a good chapter, but now I'm starting to really wonder, like some of the other readers, just who is Jack talking to while telling this story, and is it going to end happily or not. This chapter was so sad in parts alreday, I just hope it doesn't end badly. I feel like Jack is speaking to me while telling this, and I just love the voice you've given him, so maybe he's just talking to the readers. It will be interesting to find out. I hope they get to meet up again soon. This is beautifully written.
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:08 pm (UTC)
This will be a happy ending story. Jack's telling/writing the story so-- he's still alive and kicking. Sad is what the OS is. This story follows it, but not completely.
Jul. 15th, 2007 12:43 am (UTC)
Not sure what planet I've been living on so that I missed this story but....*sigh**...

Off to read the other chapters!

P.S. Oh and Love Is Blind ROCKS!!!!!!! :O)
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
Re: WOW!
Thanks so much. I do think you've been on planet earth, unless one of those alien life forms snatched you at night. I've heard of this happening to slash readers. I think it might even be some kind of conspiratorial cover-up.

Jul. 15th, 2007 12:49 am (UTC)

I just started this story today, and read all the way to here. I really like the fresh take on they whole Jack and Ennis story. I like the way Ennis was at least as open to
their relationship as Jack. Even tho he is a man of few
words. He is not reluctant to go for what he is wanting.
The ending was so very sad though. I surely hope there will not be a four year gap before the next meeting.
Looking forward to the next update. Thanks for this
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC)
Yes, Ennis is open it to this experience because why? Even though he says he's not gay, he knows he is. He goes after Jack because he sees something more there. I know this chapter ended on a sad note. Next few chapter may prove to be as sad. Don't worry, this is a happy ending story.
Jul. 15th, 2007 01:31 am (UTC)
This was so sweet, I had a lump in my throat through a lot of it. Them sharing their lives, pics of their kids, in between fucking each other senseless; I could feel the love, the longing, the amazement of having found each other. Then when Jack had to go home, that was just awful. Heartbreaking. Poor guys....

Can't wait for more of this. You're a hell of a writer, and your dialogue is very believable, as are the wonderful thoughts that pour out of your Jack's busy head.
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:26 pm (UTC)
I like what you wrote here "the amazement of having found each other." That's it. Yes, they are amazed. Jack can't believe this is happening. He's afraid and excited all rolled into one.

I'm always happy to comments that the dialog is believable. I love writing dialog. It's my favorite. I've written for a long time-- most is journalistic style-- but some fiction. Still, I love writing slash. It's a release for me (now that sounded dirty).

Thanks for the complements and most of all, thanks for loving my fic.

Jul. 15th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
Loved this line: "His face got soft and hard at the same time like I was sin and salvation."

This was a sad, sweet and hopeful chapter. Jack certainly left Ennis with a lot to think about. Looking forward to your next update!
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
I loved that line too. It's the sin and salvation part, I think. That sums up Ennis, don't you think? He hates and loves what he is and hates and loves Jack for making him feel it.

Thanks so much. I'm glad that you see this as a hopeful chapter. Seriously, I thought, being a lot like Jack and an optimist,the ending was hopeful. I guess there are a lot of pessimist Ennis' who read bmm slash!

thanks for reading,

Jul. 15th, 2007 06:25 am (UTC)
I really like this story.
I like the best, that they are older. Perhaps Ennis can overcome his fear and his"no place in a world for men like us".
Now he has time to think it over.
I hope he´s making the right decision.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
I like it that they're older, too and for the very reason you do. The "there's no place in the world for men like us" is the side Ennis hides. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Um, I think so...

Thanks, Paula for for the lovely comments.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder??? - animas1 - Jul. 16th, 2007 07:27 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Absence makes the heart grow fonder??? - el_wing - Jul. 16th, 2007 11:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 15th, 2007 12:24 pm (UTC)
I was very pleased to see another chapter of this up. Like other people before me, I wonder who Jack is telling this to?

This was a very emotional chapter, Jack waking up happy with Ennis' name on his lips...then deciding that chocolate would always be his favourite colour because it reminded him of Ennis...Awww...and then realising that Ennis feels it like he does. So it was SO sad that they have to part the way they did with Ennis saying his 'no place in the world for men like us'.

I hope like the previous poster that he takes this time apart from Jack to change his mind....especially after what Jack told him as he left...although knowing Ennis...I worry...

Looking forward to more..
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)
Hi, Rosie.

This chapter is emotional. I like the chocolate part-- like Ennis' eyes.

What will Ennis do next? Or will this follow OS and have Jack be the one to make the next move? (I hope I'm not being cruel here). You'll see...

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